


Heartbreaker, Lifetaker

by Villain_Complex (Random_Fandom_writer)



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Angst, Flowers, Hanahaki Disease, How did I forget the angst tag??, Hurt Merlin (Merlin), M/M, Merlin Dies (Merlin), Merlin's Neckerchief (Merlin), Parent Gaius (Merlin), Sad Ending, Sad Merlin (Merlin), Unrequited Love, Worried Arthur Pendragon (Merlin), for the sake of this AU lets pretend like he can do that
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-10
Updated: 2020-07-10
Packaged: 2021-03-04 19:34:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,123
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25161706
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Random_Fandom_writer/pseuds/Villain_Complex
Summary: Merlin's lungs fill with wildflowers.He awakens bitterly one evening, with daisies and milkweed growing up his esophagus, and chokes on petals until the sun rises.Merlin's lungs fill with wildflowers, and his veins grow vines. When the world goes to sleep, he bathes his body in the cool summer rain, and lets the flowers asphyxiate him. They like a little bit of rain.He bathes in rainwater.
Relationships: Merlin/Arthur Pendragon (Merlin)
Comments: 13
Kudos: 205





	Heartbreaker, Lifetaker

**Author's Note:**

> Title vaguely taken from Ricky Montgomery's song "Don't Know How."

Merlin's lungs fill with wildflowers. 

He awakens bitterly one evening, with daisies and milkweed growing up his esophagus, and chokes on petals until the sun rises.

Merlin's lungs fill with wildflowers, and his veins grow vines. When the world goes to sleep, he bathes his body in the cool summer rain, and lets the flowers asphyxiate him. They like a little bit of rain. 

He bathes in rainwater. 

* * *

Merlin watches his beloved in the _hothothot_ sun, and falls into enchantment, gazing at golds glinting off of scarred skin, and impish smiles stolen on the side. 

His Adonis. 

Merlin longs to drink from the cup of concupiscence. To hold, to touch, to kiss.

Merlin most longs to grant the burn of his lungs and the blood behind his lips mitigation. 

Merlin longs for things he cannot have. 

His Adonis. His beautiful, golden Adonis lets out a laugh, head thrown back and eyes crinkled as he claps a knight on the back fondly. Merlin wonders if he could tattoo the sound into his skin.

Vines writhe inside his veins.

***

Merlin leaves his Adonis in the _hothothot_ sun, retching rue and blood into a bucket beside the bed he does not sleep in. Merlin does not get to sleep. The flowers will not let him. 

When he cries, they are not tears of salt. 

The water is fresh. 

Merlin cries tears of rainwater.

* * *

It is a pansy flower that Merlin holds in his hand, the purple petals stained and splattered red. 

Not a wildflower.

Not a wildflower.

_'It is getting worse,'_ Merlin thinks, before he is back to retching up blood and bile and purple pansies again. 

***

Gaius walks in. 

Merlin jolts, whipping around to face the door with wide, terrified eyes.

He does not speak, not immediately. Only stares with a broken gaze, mouth open in shock as his hand clutches the door handle. Though when he does, when he grapples with his wits enough to form a response, Merlin almost wishes he had not. 

Breathless and broken. Soft and defeated. A whisper of words. 

"My boy."

Two words.

Again. 

"My boy."

The shock snaps like a tether. 

_"My boy,"_ Gaius practically yells, voice gravelly, and low, and distraught as he clambers to his knees and pulls Merlin into his chest. 

Merlin immediately keens, twisting and shifting in his arms as he tries to escape, but Gaius' hold is strong, and Merlin is _sososo_ tired.

Gaius' shoulders shake.

He crumbles.

Merlin untenses, allowing muscles to relax as harsh, heavy pants wrack his body. He whines softly, letting his head drop limply onto Gaius' shoulder, and stares unseeingly at the purple pansy on the floor.

* * *

"How long?" Gaius asks, a week later over the breakfast table.

Merlin winces. They were doing such a good job at ignoring it.

_"How long Merlin?"_

He sighs. "Four months."

Gaius nods slowly, looking down at his plate and ripping at a piece of bread. 

"Why didn't you tell me?" He asks after a long silence.

_"Leave it Gaius,"_ Merlin snaps, and immediately regrets it when he sees the physicians face fall further. _"God,_ sorry I-" he runs a hand through his hair. "-I don't..." He trails off. "I don't know," he finally says, frowning at the table with a furrowed brow. "I don't know."

They do not speak. Not until Merlin looks outside to the rising sun and tells Gaius he'd better be getting to work.

Purple petals tickle his throat.

* * *

When he sees his Adonis, it is a breath of fresh air and a punch to the stomach. 

He lays beneath the sheets, blankets pushed to the foot of the bed, in an unconscious effort to battle the sticky, stale summer heat. His features are smooth, relaxed in sleep. Unlike his waking hours, when the weight of his duties drag him to the floor. Yet he bares it all so well. Merlin smiles. His Adonis is strong, so strong, he is so proud of his Adonis. So proud of his king. Merlin mumbles it into the air, words seeping off his tongue like a prayer as he bathes in the soft morning sun. 

There are times like this, when he hopes for the best as he watches his golden king. When his heart and his head are muffled with moss, and when the evening rain is dried away, Merlin allows himself to hope. 

Merlin imagines.

Merlin imagines waking beside his Adonis, feeling that warm sun kissed skin pressed against his own as he is enwrapped in the strong arms of his beloved. He imagines fire burning beneath his skin, torching away the wildflowers and pansies, and chasing them from his lungs. 

He opens his eyes and aches.

Merlin doubles over, his body racking with violent coughs. He rips off his neckerchief, and silently thanks the triple goddess that he'd picked a red one as he spits flowers and flesh into the cloth. 

His Adonis stirs. "Merlin?" He calls, and even though the words are heavy with sleep, the concern rings clear. It makes his heart ache more, chest tightening painfully as another bought rips through him.

_"Merlin."_ Sheets are ripped away, as he launches his body out of bed, rushing to Merlin's side and lowering his shaking figure to the floor. "Merlin, what's happened?"

He sees the blood. 

His Adonis sees the blood, face turning white.

His Adonis does not glow. 

_"Guards. Guards, get Gaius."_

"No Arthur no, it's fine," Merlin shushes soothingly. "I'm fine Arthur look, I'm alright." He wipes his mouth on his sleeve, grimacing at the stain it makes. It will take forever to wash out once it dries. 

Gaius throws open the door. They really must stop running into each other like this. 

"Gaius." He grins. It is not well received. "Fancy meeting you here."

Arthur grimaces. "Shut up Merlin." He shifts to face his front, and Merlin quickly stuffs the neckerchief into his pocket. He mustn't know about the flowers.

Gaius frowns, walking to Merlin's side and grasping his arm. "We'll set him down in the chair." Arthur nods, grabbing hold of his other arm and lifting. Merlin's legs buckle, and he inhales sharply, wrapping a hand around the servants waist and throwing his arm around his shoulder to set him into the nearest seat.

"What's wrong with him?"

Merlin huffs. "I'm literally right here." Arthur shoots him a withering glare. 

Gaius' brows furrow, eyes never leaving the servants. "I cannot say for certain sire."

Arthur splutters indignantly. "You can't say for- he was _coughing up blood_ Gaius, surely there is _something_ you can do?"

He shakes his head. "Not without a diagnoses I'm afraid." 

Arthur falls silent.

His Adonis falls silent. 

Which is _wrongwrongwrong,_ so very wrong, he is not supposed to be silent. He isn't supposed to be sad. 

"Why don't you take a few days off Merlin," Arthur says, and Merlin's heart breaks further. 

"But I don't want a few days off. I'm fine." Merlin pushes himself off of the chair to stand, albeit a little shakily, and holds his hands out to the side in an I-can-prove-it gesture. 

_"Mer_ lin, you _idiot,_ sit down," Arthur growls, and Merlin flinches, biting the inside of his lip and looking at the floor. Arthur must notice, because he sighs, moving forward to place a hand upon his shoulder. "It will only be for a little while. Just until you get better, yeah? You'll be polishing my armour in no time." He grins as Merlin lets out a small laugh. 

"Please. You wouldn't last a day without me."

Arthur smiles, bright and full, and Merlin almost melts. "I'm the king Merlin. I think I'll survive." 

Merlin knows he will. 

Arthur will survive without him. His Adonis is strong. 

Merlin is not.

Merlin cannot survive. Not alone. Not without him. 

His lungs constrict. 

He gasps, burying his face into his elbow as he chokes and wheezes. Arthur falters, looking between him and the physician. 

"I'll take it from here sire," Gaius offers, taking Merlin by the arm and leading him to the door. 

For once he doesn't fight it.

"I'll see you in a few days Merlin."

Merlin sighs, letting himself relax. Yes. A few days should be alright. 

***

_"How could you be so stupid?"_ Gaius yells upon entering the physicians chambers. "That was _dangerous_ Merlin. Arthur is dangerous. Do you have any idea what would happen if he'd found out?" He shakes his head, disgruntled, and turns away from the servant. "You have to be more careful. You'd think after all these years, one would gain a little _subtlety."_

Merlin lets out a sob.

Gaius spins around, anger melting away as he sees the tears streaking down his face as he leans against the worktable. "Oh my boy." He holds out his arms. "Come here." Merlin lunges forward, melting into the man he thinks of as father with a desolate cry. 

"I love him," he sobs, words muffled by fabric. "I love him _so much."_

"I know Merlin, I know." 

* * *

Merlin lets the rain wash him away with each passing day as the flowers fill his lungs and crowd his airways. 

Yesterday he vomited roses.

The vines grew thorns.

The vines in his veins poke holes in his arms and slice apart his skin from the inside out. 

The roses are beautiful. 

The thorns are not. 

Merlin's chest hurts. 

It has been more than a few days. In fact, it has been seventeen of them.

His Adonis has not come.

His Adonis will not come.

* * *

It takes another week.

"Hi Merlin." 

Merlin startles at the voice, eyes widening in panic as he quickly kicks the bucket under the bed.

Arthur holds out a hand. "No, it's alright. You don't have to hide." He takes a deep breath. "Gaius told me."

The blood drains from his face. "What?"

"I'm not angry," he states rushedly. "I. Understand," though Merlin would bet all that he has that he does not.

"Why didn't you come to see me?" Merlin asks, withholding a wince when it comes out scratchy. 

Arthur worries his lip, face contorting in the way it does when he's thinking hard. "I needed time." He huffs. " _God,_ Merlin, I needed time- I had to _think."_ Arthur scrubs at his face, letting out a small, disbelieving laugh. It grates Merlin's ears. "In love- you're in love with me."

Merlin winces. "Please don't." 

"Hm?"

"Don't say it out loud. Please."

Arthur nods shortly. "Right, yes of course."

His Adonis falls quiet. Merlin is ok with that. It is alright to be quiet now. 

"I'm sorry," he whispers. "God Merlin, I'm so sorry." He smiles sadly, grabbing a chair and pulling it up beside the bed. Merlin's eyes are searching, and when they find his kings, he is surprised to find them brimming with tears. "I don't want you to die." It comes out hushed, but the words ring clear and ominous in the air.

"But you do not love me." It is not a question.

A pause. "No. 

Merlin lets out a shaky breath, fixing his eyes on the blanket below and tracing the splotches of red with his finger. He'd known the answer already. 

And then fingers are guiding his chin upwards. He barely has time to meet Arthurs eyes in query before his lips are on his own.

Merlin has wanted this.

Merlin has wanted this for so long.

He wants even more desperately to kiss back. To close his eyes and just _melt._ Allow deft lips to press into his and fill his lungs with life.

Most of all, Merlin wants this to be real.

It is not.

Merlin shoves Arthur away roughly and jerks backwards, eyes blown wide in horror. _"What are you doing?"_

Arthur looks almost as panicked as he feels. "I'm sorry, I thought that might help," he chokes. "Gaius had said- he told me I could. That I could learn to love you. I still can, there is still time." He looks so sad, and so lost, and so very broken. "There's still time."

Merlin wants to comfort his Adonis. Wants to soothe and say _'it is not your fault,'_ and maybe crack a joke just to see him smile. 

He opens his mouth and coughs.

No.

_Nonono._

A hand goes to his throat. 

He looks to his Adonis, who glows like the sun, and he can't help but smile through the flowers as the petals pour out.

His beautiful Adonis. 

* * *

Merlin lays bloodied in his bed with unseeing eyes. They match the monkshood, spilt from his lips and clogging his throat. Though even in death there is a glint in his gaze, and a smile on his face. Moss grows at his fingertips.

His eyes were the colour of monkshood.

**Author's Note:**

> Adonis was the mortal lover of Aphrodite. God of beauty and attraction. I thought it would be fitting.
> 
> Moss: A companion plant. Appears in every stage of hanahaki. Symbolizes when the victim is most at peace.  
> Wildflowers: Common flowers, sometimes seen as weeds. Symbolize the beginning of the disease.  
> Pansies: Pansy flowers mean "love or admiration of one person for another." The second stage of hanahaki.  
> Roses: The third stage. The flowers symbolize "romance", and "love." The highest point of the curse, and the lowest point of the person.  
> Monkshood: A kind of aconite flower. Poisonous, slowly killing from the inside, as if the asphyxiation wasn't enough. The fourth and final stage. 
> 
> (Note that the hanahaki stages are just a fun little thing I made up because I love symbolism, and are not actually compliant with the lore.))


End file.
